Saturday, 31 March 2007

Dr Who

Just watched the latest Doctor Who. The new "Companion" is another very fit young lady. Even though I am, too, a professional genius, I do not seem to attract a bevy of attractive young ladies.I still have to make do with SWMBO (She who must be obeyed). What am I doing wrong? Only kidding, my love!

Wednesday, 28 March 2007

Another loony idea from a bunny hugger

Heard on the news just now that some Austrian loon has applied to the Austrian High Court to become the legal guardian of a chimpanzee. The chimp is male, 25 years old and, like most adult chimps, strong, vicious and basically wild and uncontrollable.

Legal owner, as the sanctuary where the chimp resides after being rescued from an animal smuggler is being closed, maybe. Legal guardian, give me a break!

I think it is only a matter of time before some other loon applies to a court somewhere for their goldfish to be given power of attorney!


Sunday, 25 March 2007

Iggles and bogeys

In view of the recently raised interest in the nasal excavation digital activities of a certain (unelected by the English) Tartan Tax Thief, I feel it my duty to point out to those who may not know, the difference between an iggle and a bogey!

It is simple to tell the difference, although I should point out that the testing method is potentially destructive. First, as Mrs Beaton would say, catch your specimen by inserting your index finger of the appropriate hand into the appropriate nostril. Have a good dig about and get a suitable deposit on the end of your finger. Extract your digit with specimen suitably placed on the fingernail. Now, with a deft movement of your index finger, flick the specimen at the ceiling. If it sticks to the ceiling it is an iggle and if it bounces back at you, it is a bogey. Simple, isn't it?

Saturday, 24 March 2007

Colonel Bogey strikes again

I have just returned from a welcome city break in Copenhagen with She Who Must Be Obeyed. It was a great short holiday, nice place, nice people.

While we were away, Colonel Bogey struck again. First, let us identify Colonel Bogey. Up until now, he would have been known as the Tartan Tax Thief, but, since seeing a widely advertised video sequence on the Intraweb of a certain (unelected by the English) Chancellor of the Exchequer picking his nose and eating it, I first decided to rename him Colonel Bogey. But then I remembered his psychotic hatred of the military and his sanctimony, so I thought Pastor Bogey might be more appropriate for a son of the manse.

Anyway, it turns out he has cut income tax in his last (we all hope) budget by 2p in the pound, but I will still end up being ripped off by even more by the bastard next year. Why the hell should I finance this total wanker's Mother Teresa fantasies. ( at least she meant it). Enough of this, as well as "Bollocks to Bliar" it is "Bugger Brown"!

Saturday, 17 March 2007

Flash in the Pan

So England beating France in the Six Nations was just a flash in the pan.

Wales 27 England 18.


Fart tax

I remember seeing in a blog comment somewhere, I cannot remember which one, someone jokingly asked when the Tartan Tax Thief or Boy Dave were going to suggest taxing farts!

I laughed and then thought, "Hang on, I would not go round giving those idiots ideas!"

After all, farts contain lots of methane, which has (supposedly) more of a greenhouse effect on the environment than carbon dioxide (supposedly) does, and so is ripe for taxing in a green manner. Mind you, a good fart can turn all those around its source green as well!

They could soon get a microchip developed with a combined methane detector and radio transmitter. (Outsourced overseas of course, after all the money that should have been spent on educating scientists and engineers in this country has been spent on recruiting Diversity Officers for the Civil Service!). A chip could be implanted in everyones' bum, when they collect their ID card at a centre no less than 100 miles from where they live.

Once the country are all implanted, a series of radio detectors could be enabled and then, every time you fart, the detector measures the methane content and radios the value to
the nearest beacon. The tax can then be calculated and added to your tax bill. This has the extra advantage of tracking your position for HMG.

Oh dear, what have I said? The bastards will probably implement this now. The only advantage is that the tax will hammer vegetarians more than normal people!

Thursday, 15 March 2007

A missed opportunity

The other night, the finalists in this year's Masterchef TV cooking contest had the task of cooking a three course meal for Tony Bliar and some of his cronies at 10 Downing Street.

At the end of it, His Holiness just thanked them and got up from the table. Why didn't they lace the horseradish with aconite or add some extra dodgy mushrooms to the main course?

At the least, they could have dosed the wine with phenolphthalein, a quick acting and powerful laxative, although I suppose it has been banned by now, as it is cheap and the drug companies cannot make a mint from it.

Or, at the very least, gobbed in the gravy!!!!!

Oh well, dream on!!

Sunday, 11 March 2007

Quelle Suprise!

England actually played like a half-decent Rugby team and beat France. I look forward to taunting my French colleagues at work.

On a separate topic, what is that idiot David Cameron on about, taxing travel even more? We do not all get expenses paid trips all the time and I have to travel by air for work. Also, some of us have, or will have, relatives who are abroad and we would like to visit from time to time. If you ask me, it goes to prove that smoking dope as a teenager does affect you mental abilities. And, before anyone asks, No, I do not go along with the "It's all mans fault" theory (or should I say hypothesis) of climate change. I have more than a sneaking suspicion that sunspots have more to do with it than what sort of car I drive! I was think of voting Tory again, but this indicates I should stick with UKIP!

Saturday, 10 March 2007

Hello world

I thought I would give this blogging jobbie a go. It seems only right that I should share the accumulated wisdom of 60-odd years with the rest of the world. So here goes!

I do not intend to bore you with all my family details, but may make the odd mention of them when relevant. As some of you may guess from the title of this post, I have spent a considerable part of my life in the software industry: technical software that is, not getting your bank statements wrong!

I am a couple of years from retirement so I will take you through that, and my son is about to marry an American girl and move to the States, so that, too, may get mentioned.

I guess on the scale of things I rate somewhere between grumpy old git and professional genius. I am not really a political animal and as you can see from my profile, I do not like any politicians but I reserve especial contempt for those Onanists, Bliar and Broon!

Just been watching the Six Nations Rugby, Italy just beating Wales and Ireland just beating Scotland, the games themselves were not so exciting as the scores suggest. I am hoping against hope that England do not make another balls-up tomorrow against France. I am now watching Superleague, Hull Kingston Rovers against Leeds. Both codes of Rugby Football are infinitely preferable to Girlieball (I think some know it as Soccer!) that used to be a good game but now seems to be a game for delinquent children.

That is it for now. I do not want to get into the habit of posting a novella every time I touch the keyboard. TTFN