One-eyed snake

Normally, us chaps refer to a piece of our trouser equipment as the one-eyed snake, but in this case, I am referring to Gordon Brown.

Firstly, as any fule kno, he is a total knob, aka one-eyed snake.

Secondly, although I normally frown severely on mocking the afflicted, I am happy to make an exception in the case of this despicable apology for a snot-eating human being! Gordon Brown really does have only one working eye, and certainly lacks vision!

Thirdly, who but a treacherous snake would sign away 1000 years of English history in secret! Also, we must not forget that, although his Holiness the Bliar was the figure-head for all the disaster that has befallen the UK in general and England in particular, the Tartan Tax Thief was behind all the micro-management and control freakery that has occurred since 1997.

QED, Gordon Brown is a One-Eyed Snake!

A good game of Rugby

I have just watched a very good game of Rugby on the TV, in which The Barbarians beat South Africa 22-5. It was also a poignant occasion as it was Jason "Billy Whiz" Robinson's last competitive game. He played well but did not score and was substituted towards the end. Still, it was an exciting game to watch and I enjoyed it very much.

More good news is the next World Cup will have 20 teams, as this year. This will enable some of the minnows to appear on the world stage and gain support for Rugby in their countries. Wish I was still young enough to play!

I noticed this the other day

I noticed an article in the Daily Telegraph the other day, commenting on what proportion of their lives the ladies take in preparing to go out. I have not made a scientific study in my case, but I reckon that the article is somewhere near the truth! :-)

Brown boycotts Mugabe at EU-Africa summit

The Tartan Tax Thief refuses to attend a meeting with Robert Mugabe.

I would have thought that Bottler Brown would have been only too happy to meet Butcher Bob to get a few hints on how to run a country into the ground more quickly and create a cadre of dependency voters to keep him in power!

Proof if proof were needed

England's rugby team were only pretending to be crap at the beginning of the World Cup, they proved to be second in the world in the end.

On the other hand, the England football team have just confirmed, by losing to Croatia in the European Cup qualifier that they are bunch of overpaid, under-skilled, prancing prima donnas. A plague upon all their houses, I say!!

Oh what a great idea!

Vince Cable, caretaker leader of the Illiberal Non-democrats, has suggested the way to solve Northern Rock's financial woes is to nationalise it. Vince, my lad, are you a complete idiot? Don't you remember what happened last time something big was nationalised? Here is a clue, we are still suffering from it after nearly 60 years

Walls against millipedes

When I saw the news that a German town was building a wall to keep out millipedes I thought they had decided to keep that obnoxious little twerp David Milliband (aka Miilipede) out. No such luck, they were really trying to keep an invasion of the many legged beasties away! I think I would prefer the millipedes to Milliband and those of his ilk. Less slimy!

Mel Brooks Musical

First let me make it clear that I love all the things that Mel Brooks does. I have many of his DVDs, and I have seen the Producers in the West End theatre, and have both versions of the film.

I am just not so sure about turning Young Frankenstein into a musical now showing on Broadway. I hope it is a huge hit but I am just not so sure, as many of the jokes in the original film do not seem to be so suitable for converting to song.

Oh well, I will just have to wait until I get a chance to see it :-)

BUGGER and double BUGGER

A combination of a few silly English moments, some strange refereeing decisions and an Aussie video ref meant that England narrowly lost to the Springboks, 6-15. Roll on 2011

I never thought it possible

Well done England Rugby team. World Cup Final again!! Up yours, Gordon Brown!!!

Isn't it nice to beat the Aussies (again) ??

After all the arrogant bluster from the Aussie camp, England beat them 12-10 in the World Cup. It was not a pretty game, but at last England are learning that you start trying to play pretty Rugby when you are 20 points ahead!

Unfortunately, the big mouthed Aussie from work has left so I cannot rub his face in it, and we just have a much more polite Kiwi to contend with. I suspect I might not be able to rub his face in it next week, but, hey, England are playing much better again.

You never know what might happen next week, but they will have to raise their game still more to beat the All Blacks (or France if the pull off an equally unlikely win tonight!)

Back to the Gloucester/Leicester game for the second half now.

Update:

Well done, France! Those are words I thought I would never utter! Now looking forward to ragging Kiwi Bloke at work rotten!

The World Cup

Of the home nations only England seem to have any chance of progressing further than the quarter finals, and that hope is fairly remote. Wales and Ireland are out and Scotland were incredibly lucky to qualify.

We had all better start planning for 2011!

Ok, so England are not a total loss

At times, in today's game against Samoa, England looks a half-decent Rugby side, but they still had patches where they looked like amateurs. At least with Jonny Wilkinson fit again and Olly Barkley back, the backs looked as if they wanted to score occasionally

Final score 44-22

Nearly had an interesting turnaround in the South Africa/Tonga game. Tonga almost won and were a bit unlucky not too! Could be a bit tricky for England next week!

Final score 30-25

It is official

England's present Rugby Union team are CRAP with a capital K!

England 0 - South Africa 36

I gave up watching at half time and switched to the Super League. At least that was exciting!

Update:

Wales were better but not by that much, except for a couple of patches. Have to wait and see what Ireland do now!

Yippee

First blood in the Rugby World Cup to Argentina!

France 12 - 17 Argentina

Let us hope England do not bog up tomorrow now!

I think we can be fairly sure about the Rugby World Cup

After this weekend's Rugby, it looks like the only Northern Hemisphere team with any hope in the World Cup is France, and they do not look that good, but at least they are at home. If only Mr Ashton had had more time to prepare it may have been different for England, but I am not that sure about that even!

What did we learn from this Saturday's Rugby?

I think that from the Rugby matches played yesterday, I learned the following:-

England have no hope of retaining the World Cup

France are unlikely to win the World Cup

Unless they play better than they did yesterday, Wales and Argentina may not make it past the first round.

Oh well, roll on 2011

Brassed Off

I watched the film about a colliery brass band last night on the telly.

I liked the music and hated the pro-NUM propaganda. It then occurred to me that the useful idiots who supported Arthur Scargill and his band of miners who were mining coal that nobody wanted to buy were probably the same twats who are now trying to disrupt everyone's holiday air travel in the name of reducing so-called man-made global warming.

If not the same people, certainly the same mindset!! Hardly logical, but then these idiots aren't!

Bugger, bugger, bugger

Saturday August 11:

The England Rugby Union Team did not play badly, but still managed to lose 15-21 against France. It will be even more difficult next week in France.

As usual, the England cricket team were crap, and will almost certainly have to follow on!!

What is happening to this country? Oh I know, it is being run into the ground by a bunch of self-serving, incompetent buffoons who call themselves a government! And yes, it does affect sports, as school sports are in so much decline.

Oh no, girlie ball is starting again

Once more, the overpaid, under performing girls blouses who call themselves Premiership Footballers will be starting to preen themselves in public tomorrow. A message to all real sport fans, "Watch Rugby Super League or wait for the Rugby Union World Cup to start!"

Yippeee!!!

England thrashed Wales 62-5 at Twickenham yesterday. I know it was most of England's Probables against only half of the Welsh probables, but a year ago, England would have even lost to them. Still, the real test will come next week, against France!

For now, it will be fun conversing with my Welsh colleagues at work for the next week!

Foot and Mouth

Oh, dear. The new outbreak of foot and mouth is a bit close to home. I do hope the government do not make such monumental cock up of dealing with this outbreak as they did with the last one!!

Well I never

A Liberal councillor created quite a stir and a few resignations when it was revealed she led a double life as a strippogram.

If you ask me, it is stranger to find a Liberal of normal sexual persuasion (I assume she is :-)

Home to roost

Looks like the PPP initiative on London Underground has gone a bit pear shaped, with Metronet applying to go into administration . I wonder whose idea PPP was, any clues?

Oh, it is said that it was the brain child of a certain recently unelected prime minister. Even Red Ken was opposed to the idea! The first of innumerable chickens coming home to roost? Let us hope so, although I am sure the NuLabour spin machine will be whirring into overdrive to try and divert attention away from this

What I did on my holidays......

I do not normally like posting huge blog posts, but it seemed easier to do it this way than lots of small ones, especially as I could not get to an Internet cafe every day........

This is the story of our visit to Washington DC, Hawaii and New York, the primary purpose of which was to attend our son's wedding. I expect this narrative will bore you stupid, but I have put it here to help me remember in the years to come :-) As you can see, we did pay a lot of attention to the inner man, so we are on lentils and celery for the next month or two!

Day 1:
Good Virgin flight from London to Washington DC. Met up with number one son and future daughter in law at Dulles IAD. Checked in to hotel then went out for an very good Italian

Day 2:
Go round some of the Washington Sights. Library of Congress very interesting. Very hot and my manky knee starts playing up. Then meet up with the daughter in law's parents. They are very nice people. We all went for a very good Chinese.

Day 3:
Wife, daughter and daughter in law to be do lots of shopping in the local malls. Afterwards, we meet with daughter in laws parents again and all go for a huge ribs dinner then round to their place for cheese and biccies and some moonshine.

Day 4:
Day of rest, relaxation and packing after a breakfast in a Krispy Kreme Donut store. In the evening, daughter in law is busy packing the wedding dress and lots of other stuff so the family go out for a steak in the local Mortons Steak House.

Day 5:
Trip to Honolulu via Newark on two Continental flights. Planes late and we are generally unimpressed with Continental. Arrive at hotel just in time to have a buffet meal before the restaurant closed at 9-30. (Why do so many places close so early in Hawaii?).

Day 6:
Meet up with the rest of daughter in law's family, her sister, brother in law, niece and nephew then Visit to the Polynesian Cultural Centre on O'Ahu. A great day followed by a very nice buffet meal and then a show with lots of lovely Polynesian girls shaking their booty before staggering back to the coach to get back to the hotel.

Day 7:
A day trip all the way around O'Ahu. Very interesting things to see and do. Ironically, stop at the Polynesian Cultural Centre for the lunch break. After the trip, wifey, daughter, son and myself go out for a Mexican.

Day 8:
Wedding day. We all get ponced up and troop over to the next hotel where the wedding is to be held. The daughter in law's mother is Hawaiian and and her cousin, orginally from Hawaii and now from San Diego, is a church minister and conducts the wedding. The bride looks lovely, the sun is hot and the background is the Pacific Ocean. All very good and we have lots of photos taken.

This is followed by a wedding breakfast in the hotel restaurant. After this we all go back to our hotels for a bit then meet up where the bride and groom are staying. There, we pick up a stretch limo to travel to the evening cruise ship, where we get to sail around the Hawaiian coast while eating a splendid meal. Then all back to beddy-byes.

Day 9:
The bride and groom jet off to nearby Maui for their honeymoon, while the rest of the family have a rest day. Wife, daughter and self go to the local Hard Rock Cafe. We have a reasonable meal and the wife buys the tee shirt and all the usual gubbery that she buys in the HRC shop wherever we are.

Day 10:
Have an air trip to the Big island, as Hawaii itself is known. Go on a coach trip around the island and this includes a trip to Moana Loa, an (sort of) dormant volcano. Very interesting trip. Getting back to O'Ahu is a bit of a disaster. There is a regular air service between Kona airport on Hawaii and Honolulu, but because just one plane is cancelled because of tehnical difficulties, the whole schedule is completely screwed and we get back to O'Ahu too late for dinner.

Day 11:
A rest day. Spend some time on Waikiki beach. Have a pizza for dinner.

Day 12:
Visit to Pearl Harbour. Trip to see the USS Arizona Memorial. Very moving. We then go around the USS Missouri, a very impressive old ship. Then back to Honolulu for a trip to a shopping mall followed by a meal in Jackie Chan's restaurant "Jackies Kitchen". This was really good indeed.

Day 13:
Visit the Honolulu Aquarium in the morning. Then back to the airport for yet another pretty awful flight with Continental. Still, the video and cabin lighting failed so we all got a good load of sleep and arrived in New York without too much jet lag.

Day 14:
Do the Empire State Building and The Statue of Liberty. Very impressive. In the afternoon, the bride and groom fly in for a couple of days after their honeymoon. We all go to see the lights of Times Square (which is not square but the shape of a bow tie!) and end up having burgers at Planet Hollywood.

Day 15:
Wife and daughter do some serious shopping and I go to The New York Museum of Natural History with the bride and groom. Actually, it is much more than a natural history museum and has many geological and astronomical exhibits and a planetarium. We all go out for our final nosh of the tour, an Italian.

Day 16:
Go on a round the city drop-in, drop-off bus tour around downtown New York. very interesting. Then end up having a couple of beers in Mickey Mantle's Bar, and return to the hotel to pick up the luggage and wait for the airport shuttle. This arrives early so we do not get as much time as we would have liked to say goodbye, but we go to the airport, leaving the bride and groom to have one more day in the Big Apple, before they go back to Virginia. Arrive back in the (Dis)UK a bit knackered but having had a great time.

Day 17:
Lots of washing and uploading of photos to Kodak Gallery!!

Footnote to El Gordo: Another talented individual decided not to live in the God-forsaken country that you and Bliar have created!!

Off to the States for a couple of weeks

I will try and get a blog or two posted in the meantime

Number One Son

He has zipped off to the land of the free or the USA as it is otherwise known, to make the final arrangements to marry and settle there. The rest of the family are to follow in a few days for 2 weeks of celebration in various guises, By the time we get back, the Tartan Tax Thief will be ruining the country (not a typo)!

The RAF suffer from political correctness this time

Some cretin at the MoD has decided that painting scantily clad young ladies on the nosecone of RAF aircraft, a practice that goes back to at least the Second World War, will cause offence amongst the female members of the Air Force. What a load of cobblers. I cannot imagine many women who are prepared to sign up for the armed forces are such wilting flowers.

Maybe the RAF should practice precision bombing a bit closer to home, say Whitehall for instance!!

England Rugby. Slightly better news

At least England won the Churchill Cup (a sort of cut-down World Cup for 2nd XVs) yesterday, in a fairly pleasing fashion. The main thing was that a lot of the players in the team are very young and should have a long England future ahead of them.

Trouble is, I do not expect that most of them will be up to speed in time to defend the World Cup later in the year.

England cave in again!

After watching the second Rugby international match against the Spingboks, I am once again left frustrated and angry. For the first hour England were very good and were even leading at half time.

Then someone noticed, "Hey guys, we are playing well and making a real game of this. We should not being doing that. Start playing like drains again, as we are supposed to!"

Still there were only 3 soft tries this time. South Africa were never going to lose, but the way England caved in in the second half to let them create another cricket score was pathetic!

Oh the Calamity of the oval ball

England's Rugby XV did not do very well over the weekend. They got thrashed by the Sprinboks and are likely to be again. I know it was effectively a 3rd England XV, due to club commitments and injuries and there was no way England were going to win, but there was no excuse for the amateur mistakes that led to most of the Springboks tries.

We can only hope they are better next weekend, but I fear the worst!

It is probably Tony Blair and Gordon Brown's fault. Most things that are wrong with England are!

New science for old

Many years ago and for a very long time, all scientists, including all the famous ones, believed in the Phlogiston theory of Combustion. You can find details of that at Timelinescience.org, but essentially it supposed that when something burned, it lost a substance called phlogiston. The proof supplied was that wood was lighter after it had been burned.

It was only when people like Lavoisier and Priestley started doing accurate experiments and determined that many substances were heavier after being burned that this was shown to be totally wrong. Without going into details, it was thus that oxygen was discovered and the phlogiston theory was disproved.

What has this got today, you might ask? Well, a so-called scientific theory based on incomplete facts and flawed evidence that many so-called experts subscribe to and that has a huge bearing on how we organise ourselves, does this sound familiar?

Answers on a post card (or a comment) please!

Political correctness gone mad (again)

The latest foray into the world of political correctness is by the Yoof Justice Board (whatever the hell that is!).

Apparently gang crime isn't. It is "group-related crime". You cannot call them gangs because it might upset the little darlings.

According to the OED

gang: noun. an organized group of criminals or disorderly young people

Get real, you idiots

I have another blog

I have begun to get the hang of this blogging lark and I have created another blog at MikeyP at My Telegraph that I will use exclusively to rant about the charlatans that would rule us.

I will not stop moaning about them here, but in a more general way. I still hate the buggers!

We had the big party

The party to celebrate Number One Son's forthcoming marriage to his American fiancee we a roaring success, and we all had a great trime. We managed to get some of his old school and university friends alaong and even his school sixth form tutor.

We could not go on too long as his fiancee was booked on a flight back the the USA on ths Sunday morning, but she enjoyed meeting all of our family and they enjoyed meeting her.

Next time we see her, it will be for the biggie in Hawaii!

Time to celebrate

Number one son got his US Visa that will allow him to marry his American fiancee in Hawaii. After that, he is going to live with her in Washington DC for the time being, and should be able to get his Green Card within a short space of time.

We are having a celebratory party over this weekend, and his fiancee has flown over from the States to meet the rest of our (strange) family and friends. As the wedding is in Hawaii and neither of the families live there, it will be a quiet wedding. She wants it in Hawaii as her mother is Hawaiian.

Although we will miss him, the Internet makes keeping in contact easy, and I do not blame anyone who wants to leave this Godforsaken country at the moment!

Got to go now, to order the booze from the local branch of Majestic.

In the name of God, just go!

To misquote Oliver Cromwell to Phony Tony and his cringing cronies. We do not want any positively last Farewell Tour. Just bugger off and disappear you slimy, mendacious incompetent sod and take that awful wife with you!! Oh, and while you are at it, drag the Tartan Tax Thief with you to whichever tax haven you end up in. I am sure you will not want to be paying the Robber Baron's taxes here!!

My son has got his visa approved

At last, and to everyone's great relief, Number One Son has had his visa to get married in the USA approved. Once he has that, he can get his Green Card and escape from this God-forsaken country. Lucky sod!!

How jolly decent of the EU

What wonderful news. The Glorious Peoples' Socialist Republic of Europe has decided that we, the British (although I am increasingly thinking of myself as English only), are allowed, ALLOWED for goodness sake, to continue to use pounds and ounces and other Imperial measures.

Actually, I do not really care whether we use the metric or Imperial system, as I have a degree in Chemistry and have worked most of my life as a research scientist and then an engineer. However, it should be MY choice of what system I use, not some jumped up jobsworth in Brussels or Whitehall!!

Well done, the French

Never thought I would say that, but they have decided that, as any fule kno, socialism is a crappy philosophy that fails at any test.

Maybe the French will be able to start redeveloping their national pride and rejuvenating their country

If only the English (and the Scots and Welsh if they wanted to) could have the same chance, but even if we had the opportunity to vote, we would only have the choice between a bunch of incompetent sleazebags, and a bunch of super-annuated hippies.

This country will need a leader that makes Maggie Thatcher look like a benign old Granny before we can recover from the shambles inflicted upon us by, first, John Major and then, even more comprehensively, by the Bliar-Broon dictatorship. Anyone know of potential candidates in the offing?

So now we know

So the elections are over again, all bar a few odd seats to be counted.

What did we learn? Basically, I think that normal people do not like, Liebour, Conservative, FibDems, Nationalists or any of the buggers!!

Looks like the Scottish Parliament (what a farce that is) and the Welsh Assembly will take for ever and a day to sort out who does what, then have to have another election real soon now, and the English would like to replace Liebour with Tory. As far as I am concerned, this means that the future governance of England will be slightly less awful than it is now, but since none of them really represent my feelings, what do Ie do. Start yet another new party? I don't think so. I guess UKIP is nearest to my philosophy, and they are not exactly strolling along at the moment!

Since I am not that far to retirement, maybe we should just considering moving to a country where the government system is slightly less awful. I think it would be difficult to find, though.

I think my final message to all politicians is "A plague on all your houses!"

PC madness Part 1

As you may know, I hate political correctness almost as much as I hate Bliar and Brown. I saw a wonderful story today in the paper.

A childrens' zoo and theme park have a railway on their premises that is themed and is based on Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends. Occasionally, one of the workers at the zoo dresses up as the Fat Controller, Sir Topham Hatt. This is very popular with the children so the zoo decided to advertise for a full time Fat Controller.

The only problem is that the zoo authorities have been advised that they cannot advertise specifically for anyone who is (a) of not inconsiderable girth and (b) a man!!!

Presumably their advisers would be as happy for a Posh Spice lookalike to be given the job as for a John Prescott lookalike!!!

If you have a chance when voting, please vote for anyone who promises to make political correctness a criminal offence.

Happy St George's Day

And "Bollocks to Bliar"

Things I hate (Part 1)

I am a grumpy old git and I hate lots of things. If any of you think I should be making positive comments, I have plenty of those but the bleeding hearts would not like them!

Some of the things I like to hate:

Politicians (especially champagne socialists)

Political correctness

Soccer

Microsoft software

Bleeding heart "It's all our fault" sociologists

Ecofacists

Ken Livingstone

Tony Bliar

Gordon Brown

David Cameron

That will do for now.Plenty more to come. Watch this space.

Why are England teams all crap at the moment?

The England cricket team have just proved they are crap, we have known for a long time that the England Soccer team are crap, and the England Rugby Union Team are not much better. At least they have got rid of their really crap coach and have started to rebuild under a new one.

Why is this? We have enough talent around to be world beaters in all of these sports. I think the answer is political. I suspect that the present government (if you can apply such a definitive word to such a bunch of incompetents) is doing the one thing it does well, i.e. interfere and spin. I wonder how much political pressure has been applied to ensure the choice of inept coaches in the last five years? Like the rest of England, all of our internatonal sports teams are 100% demoralised!

It is obvious that it would suit the present shower who think they are in charge of the country if the English identity were to disappear. No-one in their right mind who is from England will ever vote for Das NeuArbeiterPartei again, so it suits for England to be removed from the collective memory. Divide and rule, I think it is known as. Before you ask, I would much prefer it if the United Kingdom stayed United, but I cannot see how this can possibly happen now, thanks to Bliar and his cohorts.

Like I have said before, it is the time for all right thinking people to GET MAD and GET BAD!

The world gone mad

What the hell is happening?

Sailors who failed in their duty getting six figures sums of dosh from the gutter press for doing so.

A government minister approving of the former. (Presumably so the sailors do not blab about how poorly trained and equipped they are, thanks to the Tartan Tax Thief).

One of those sailors being a mother of a young kid. Bad enough to have women on the front line, but a MOTHER!!! I am not, like the islamofacists do, suggesting the subjugation of women, but there are some things that women are not really suited for (and also some that men are not suited for).

A couple of barmy bishops saying what a wonderful guy Ahmadinejad is as he is so charitable as to release the hostages.

The only thing to say to this is for all sensible people to get real and GET MAD!!!!

Grammar schools

I see from a recent report that bright kids at comprehensive schools are held back by being put in mixed ability classes. The only surprising thing is that anyone should find this odd.

I was lucky enough to go to a proper grammar school, before it became a private school, but both my kids went to an, admittedly very good, comprehensive. While they both went to Uni and have succeeded in their chosen professions, I am convinced they would both have passed their eleven plus and gone to grammar school, where they would have done even better.

Grammar schools are also the only way that bright kids from less well off backgrounds can get a good education. I think one problem is many people think that education is all about the kids. It is not, it is about ensuring that the upcoming generation is as competent, or more so, than the previous. This is clearly not the case at the moment.

Maybe the eleven plus is not the best way to choose pupils for grammar schools, although whatever method chosen should involve some stress. You are, after all, selecting the next generation of leaders.

So, political wonks out there, if you want my vote, BRING BACK GRAMMAR SCHOOLS!!

April Fool

There does not seem much point in trying to pull any April Fools stunts this year. Real life seems to have overtaken the pranksters in every way!

For example:

• Mad Ken Livingstone tries to get even more people travelling on the already overcrowded and under resourced Tube network by letting all children under 11 travel free
• Once every one has been forced onto the Tube, the Glorious Peoples' Union of Train Drivers or whatever they call themselves start voting about going on strike so no-one can use the Tube, even if they wanted to.
• Bogeyman Brown ups tax on everything (but especially cars) so it costs people even more to get around
• On an entirely different track, the Pope announces there really is a Hell. I KNOW, I am living in it. It is called Bliar's Britain, or should that be Bogeyman's Britain!

Doh!!! I give up on this list, there are just too many things to document at one time. Back to the pre-lunch Scotch!

Dr Who

Just watched the latest Doctor Who. The new "Companion" is another very fit young lady. Even though I am, too, a professional genius, I do not seem to attract a bevy of attractive young ladies.I still have to make do with SWMBO (She who must be obeyed). What am I doing wrong? Only kidding, my love!

Another loony idea from a bunny hugger

Heard on the news just now that some Austrian loon has applied to the Austrian High Court to become the legal guardian of a chimpanzee. The chimp is male, 25 years old and, like most adult chimps, strong, vicious and basically wild and uncontrollable.

Legal owner, as the sanctuary where the chimp resides after being rescued from an animal smuggler is being closed, maybe. Legal guardian, give me a break!

I think it is only a matter of time before some other loon applies to a court somewhere for their goldfish to be given power of attorney!

Doh!!

Iggles and bogeys

In view of the recently raised interest in the nasal excavation digital activities of a certain (unelected by the English) Tartan Tax Thief, I feel it my duty to point out to those who may not know, the difference between an iggle and a bogey!

It is simple to tell the difference, although I should point out that the testing method is potentially destructive. First, as Mrs Beaton would say, catch your specimen by inserting your index finger of the appropriate hand into the appropriate nostril. Have a good dig about and get a suitable deposit on the end of your finger. Extract your digit with specimen suitably placed on the fingernail. Now, with a deft movement of your index finger, flick the specimen at the ceiling. If it sticks to the ceiling it is an iggle and if it bounces back at you, it is a bogey. Simple, isn't it?

Colonel Bogey strikes again

I have just returned from a welcome city break in Copenhagen with She Who Must Be Obeyed. It was a great short holiday, nice place, nice people.

While we were away, Colonel Bogey struck again. First, let us identify Colonel Bogey. Up until now, he would have been known as the Tartan Tax Thief, but, since seeing a widely advertised video sequence on the Intraweb of a certain (unelected by the English) Chancellor of the Exchequer picking his nose and eating it, I first decided to rename him Colonel Bogey. But then I remembered his psychotic hatred of the military and his sanctimony, so I thought Pastor Bogey might be more appropriate for a son of the manse.

Anyway, it turns out he has cut income tax in his last (we all hope) budget by 2p in the pound, but I will still end up being ripped off by even more by the bastard next year. Why the hell should I finance this total wanker's Mother Teresa fantasies. ( at least she meant it). Enough of this, as well as "Bollocks to Bliar" it is "Bugger Brown"!

Flash in the Pan

So England beating France in the Six Nations was just a flash in the pan.

Wales 27 England 18.

Bugger!

Fart tax

I remember seeing in a blog comment somewhere, I cannot remember which one, someone jokingly asked when the Tartan Tax Thief or Boy Dave were going to suggest taxing farts!

I laughed and then thought, "Hang on, I would not go round giving those idiots ideas!"

After all, farts contain lots of methane, which has (supposedly) more of a greenhouse effect on the environment than carbon dioxide (supposedly) does, and so is ripe for taxing in a green manner. Mind you, a good fart can turn all those around its source green as well!

They could soon get a microchip developed with a combined methane detector and radio transmitter. (Outsourced overseas of course, after all the money that should have been spent on educating scientists and engineers in this country has been spent on recruiting Diversity Officers for the Civil Service!). A chip could be implanted in everyones' bum, when they collect their ID card at a centre no less than 100 miles from where they live.

Once the country are all implanted, a series of radio detectors could be enabled and then, every time you fart, the detector measures the methane content and radios the value to
the nearest beacon. The tax can then be calculated and added to your tax bill. This has the extra advantage of tracking your position for HMG.

Oh dear, what have I said? The bastards will probably implement this now. The only advantage is that the tax will hammer vegetarians more than normal people!

A missed opportunity

The other night, the finalists in this year's Masterchef TV cooking contest had the task of cooking a three course meal for Tony Bliar and some of his cronies at 10 Downing Street.

At the end of it, His Holiness just thanked them and got up from the table. Why didn't they lace the horseradish with aconite or add some extra dodgy mushrooms to the main course?

At the least, they could have dosed the wine with phenolphthalein, a quick acting and powerful laxative, although I suppose it has been banned by now, as it is cheap and the drug companies cannot make a mint from it.

Or, at the very least, gobbed in the gravy!!!!!

Oh well, dream on!!

Quelle Suprise!

England actually played like a half-decent Rugby team and beat France. I look forward to taunting my French colleagues at work.

On a separate topic, what is that idiot David Cameron on about, taxing travel even more? We do not all get expenses paid trips all the time and I have to travel by air for work. Also, some of us have, or will have, relatives who are abroad and we would like to visit from time to time. If you ask me, it goes to prove that smoking dope as a teenager does affect you mental abilities. And, before anyone asks, No, I do not go along with the "It's all mans fault" theory (or should I say hypothesis) of climate change. I have more than a sneaking suspicion that sunspots have more to do with it than what sort of car I drive! I was think of voting Tory again, but this indicates I should stick with UKIP!

Hello world

I thought I would give this blogging jobbie a go. It seems only right that I should share the accumulated wisdom of 60-odd years with the rest of the world. So here goes!

I do not intend to bore you with all my family details, but may make the odd mention of them when relevant. As some of you may guess from the title of this post, I have spent a considerable part of my life in the software industry: technical software that is, not getting your bank statements wrong!

I am a couple of years from retirement so I will take you through that, and my son is about to marry an American girl and move to the States, so that, too, may get mentioned.

I guess on the scale of things I rate somewhere between grumpy old git and professional genius. I am not really a political animal and as you can see from my profile, I do not like any politicians but I reserve especial contempt for those Onanists, Bliar and Broon!

Just been watching the Six Nations Rugby, Italy just beating Wales and Ireland just beating Scotland, the games themselves were not so exciting as the scores suggest. I am hoping against hope that England do not make another balls-up tomorrow against France. I am now watching Superleague, Hull Kingston Rovers against Leeds. Both codes of Rugby Football are infinitely preferable to Girlieball (I think some know it as Soccer!) that used to be a good game but now seems to be a game for delinquent children.

That is it for now. I do not want to get into the habit of posting a novella every time I touch the keyboard. TTFN