I remember seeing in a blog comment somewhere, I cannot remember which one, someone jokingly asked when the Tartan Tax Thief or Boy Dave were going to suggest taxing farts!
I laughed and then thought, "Hang on, I would not go round giving those idiots ideas!"
After all, farts contain lots of methane, which has (supposedly) more of a greenhouse effect on the environment than carbon dioxide (supposedly) does, and so is ripe for taxing in a green manner. Mind you, a good fart can turn all those around its source green as well!
They could soon get a microchip developed with a combined methane detector and radio transmitter. (Outsourced overseas of course, after all the money that should have been spent on educating scientists and engineers in this country has been spent on recruiting Diversity Officers for the Civil Service!). A chip could be implanted in everyones' bum, when they collect their ID card at a centre no less than 100 miles from where they live.
Once the country are all implanted, a series of radio detectors could be enabled and then, every time you fart, the detector measures the methane content and radios the value to
the nearest beacon. The tax can then be calculated and added to your tax bill. This has the extra advantage of tracking your position for HMG.
Oh dear, what have I said? The bastards will probably implement this now. The only advantage is that the tax will hammer vegetarians more than normal people!